back from the dead

well its been ages, i noe... bloggin now due to someone (yes you) egging me to post new stuff.
so like its all rainbow and cloudy days, birds singin an picnic dates. things are relatively good, save for the occasional little flashes of lightnin and what not... he has been nice, tolerant, pretty sweet, and not to mention displays alot of concern and care for me. really nothin to be sad about now... and its nice to finally feel like that. no more upsetting moments. however, jus like i cannot say its always been so nice, i canot swear by happily ever after. jus that its been pretty good. cant ask for more really.
im really not a whizz at mushy stuff so in a nutshell......
thanks for all ur patience an care,understanding and affection. so mr. G, i hope ur happy as well, and im glad i have you. you are important to me too, and i am happy as you are now. i hope ur always well and think u're one of the best things to happen to me.
]:(=) * o<:3 )~

cruisin on

well well, im on a ride for the 1st time in my life...(was gettin dusty on the shelf la. ) so im like nowhere anyway in the driver seat, but can only be contented to jus be in the passenger seat. at first it was really tirin to feel jus like nothin, worthless and jus a passin fling. to be somethin of no importance or of second best really feels terrible. like the person tells u verbally of their devotion to u, yet in action chooses to hurt u rather than hurt the other wen someone has to be hurt.

i really think it pays to be a bonafide bitch. someone who jus cries an wants it their own way. all they have to do is appear as a gentle vunerable girl, an its done. somehow it always works. so easy rite? jus appear soft an easy to cry can liao. but den canot la. i wun cheapen myself to act like dat. my hurt i will carry deep, my pain no one will see. i will trudge thru life like its over oredy, but feel the truth of my heart shatterin. call it pride, ego or watever, its jus cheap to entertain all the shit that come ur way with lame msgs an watever nought.

well jus recently i was finally deemed "worthy" enough to be brought to existence. feels nice. though again time will tell. i really dun care anymore la. whether the decision or action will prove to be of substance i am not gonna fret over it anymore. afterall, if i dun bother an the other party can do watever he wans, den i shouldn't bother if he is gona bastard me rite... (heck it oredy.) an yea i cant be bothered about the other person too. the person has proven to be unworthy in my books, an seriously seems to jus think what she wans is only rite an expect it to rightfully be. (up urs la, im also a person k.) an if dat certn someone wans to choose to jus be nice for hypocritical heroistic sake, or underground entertain such stupid shit with watever lame means or reason, den fuck off too. so i cant be bothered but to jus let things be an go along for the ride. i ask for nothin, hope for none. simplicity is all i want. yet it seems i am seen to be unreasonably asking for more an more. k den. i have decided to exercise abandonment. afterall why should i make things bad for the sake of someone i dun think is even near worthy, someone who jus sits on her fat arse an wails. i still sincerely hope she would be good, but enough is enough. its finally boiled over. (oh.. yea.. an if someone who reads this feels pain or unfairness for that someone im tokin abt cos of ur feelins for her, den jus shut up an fuck off again. go be a wuss who jus wans to be mr. nice guy, an choose to hurt me instead of her.) i am a person with feelings even if i will hold my head high an carry on. dun think i can be sacrificed for the other jus becos i wun cheapen myself to act like a silly bitch.

still i do appreciate the effort even though it will prove more with time. i hope u are truthfull, an admit its gettin better, (esp wen i go back to not thinkin an livin for the moment again.) im experiencin happiness (somesort) now. i do feel for whatever i have now. its scary cos im startin to fall deeper now. so pls dun let me fall.

gong xis an dong chengs

well well... its the eve of chinese new year, and i've just gorged myself silly after my family's reunion dinner. i feel like a perpetually bloated puffer fish.
like finally chinese new year is here. for weeks before, shopping centres, and other public places seemed to have been taken over by some over-zealouse oriental chinky martian. i mean there is only so much blastin "dong cheng dong chengs" and bright red decor a person can take. (it really spoils the mood wen ur in the toilet trytin ur best to do ur business, an wat ur hearin is blarin "gong xi, gong xxxxiiiiiiii....." over ur head.) not to mention have u heard the new not so funky chinese new year songs? they are hybrids with cristmas carols. like wat the hell... carolly new year songs?? wierd an jus tacky. i mean wats nex, the god of fortune and santa clause are gonna get together over mahjong and milk and cookies?? wats more the place of my residence looks precariously like a chicken house (if u catch my drift..) with the over abundance of red lanterns and banners. its bad enuff the name sounds oredy like a brothel or dim sum house. haiz...
well puttin dat aside, dis hols is great to catch up with relatives, (i.e find out who is fightin with who, an see whose dress sense really has not improved over the 1 year.) of course its great to see the sincere relatives whom i luv to bits. it almost makes the yearly dwindling ang pows seem not to matter. well almost only... (heh! just kiddin) dis is really jus a great time to eat more tidbits, peel more oranges an gamble away for the fun. its really one of the few holidays dat is still able to gather the family together. (or at least i hope) despite the farcialness of family gatherins which i hate, it does stand that sometimes a little is better than nothin.
with that bein said, i wud like to wish all a merry chinese new year with abundance of health an happiness to follow. 2days been pretty slow an jus well *yawn*. mebe tonite in my dreams, i might join the god of fortune and santa for mahjong over milk and cookies.(4th player anyone??)

whirlwind

well okay... sorry bout my bouts of laziness here.
the past 2 weeks has been somewhat of a whirlwind. with skool an everythin else that has been happenin. nothin bad really... jus well... its like "wat the hell jus hit me!"
so tactiq had a camp last week, an as usual i was unable to go cos skool was too tight. (not to me though, but to my parents). felt really sad an bad i could not go. but i wen to stay for 1 nite durin campfire at jbac. :)
so like ya. also got a break out from sleepin on the mph floor i think. but its okay...(freddy kreuger has a sister now). i oso got to sit in and stick my ugly leg in their debriefin. seems its now more like a classroom style. bosses toked bout "intimacy" as part of some "stormin" thing, an we all had to write about who we are intimate to an what we wanted to be. abit cheem lah but jus hantum only. so ya.
skool has been a bitch. everyday there is class an homework. not to mention i am drownin in assignments as well. but well got to do it means got to do it. sienz....
anyhows things have been goin like i dun noe how la... donoe how to say or wat. thank god i have at least addie (she's a doll) to bitch with. things that have been goin seem nice but there is a naggin question mark on whether is it really right or not. donoe la ah... i dun wan to noe oso la. come what may an whatever whatever lah....

H2O

yest the guys (addie, her nephew leon, shammie, manzur, an gary) came over to my place for a swim. it was another impromtu outin which wen ay okay...
was slackin an out of the blue wen to cut my hair... manzur says i look like an auntie now, an yea it does look like a wig... so well... it'll grow back soon. (at least my mum wun say i look like a golden retriever anymore....)
anyhows met up with gary 1st an we thought we were super late so took a cab to supposedly meet shammie who does not have a handphone now... but he oredy left, so we ended up piahing down to my place in the cab,... only to meet..... nobody!! but we din wait long cos wen i wen to get my doggy 4 a walk, shammie was already there. my doggy kept lookin an wavin to sham who was hungin the bus stop pole the whole time. an as usual, addie an manzur were fightin along the way while walkin to my place. (from a distance they actually looked conjoined.)
as gary had no shorts (somebody kept sayin he no mood to swim, will not get down, an blah... blah... blah...), i wen upstairs to kapok one of my dad's shorts. ended up makin a second trip up as i took my dad's boxers down instead...
so anyhows we proceeded to get wet. addie's nephew was so cute.. he toked to everyone. (very sociable, not shy wan.) had a funky do as well... anyway the wind an water was like so damn cold lor...we were all shiverin an squirmin around an shammie was chatterin so hard, he looked like his face was frozen. an as usual again, addie an manzur were fightin in the water... (we were all too cold to move over...)
tried a few stunts in the water mostly with leon, an later it was wrestlin.... got pinched like hell.... was not strong enough to inflict any damage myself, an manzur ended up with a ruldolph the red nose reindeer worthy nose. my tag team partner was leon, an boy was he fierce as well... we oso played an old child hood game, the mother hen an eagle thingy. sham was the schemin eagle, an manzur was our protective mother hen.. we were playin till an old bitch came out to tell us to pipe down... knn.... we left for the hot tub later an soaked there to warm ourselves b4 gettin out.... the guys as usual took soooo long. addie an i bathed, changed wen for a walk, an they haven even bathed yet.... apparently there were steam bathin as well. vain toads.....
well saliza joined us after, an everyone walked out to send leon back. so sad sia he kept sayin he wan to follow us. he looked so sad wen he was told he could not. but we made a promise say nex time sure bring him out wan. cant wait to see him again.
as usual i had to gan home again... but it was a miscommunication thingy lah..so lah de dah....

thanx guys

life a journey
of no turning back
seconds and days, no time for regret
living as a shell, farcial existence of men
there are times life just seems too worthless to care.

thanks to those who msged when they felt right,
little thoughts of rememberance,
they made flight.
the song of the night that startled me in fright,
it sure did make my night.
tokens of girlish sweetness an painful care,
thank you for the marks of brotherhood, oh yes sirs.
the meals that filled my stomach till the throat,
sweet gas an hellooo toilet soon followed.
but the treats were good , thank you all so,
contented spirit over my burnin asshole.
so all in all i am thankful to say,
frens u all sure made my day.

life's fool

blanket of shroud
cloud of mist
fog of the night
blinded
by hope of you
two-faced
a cheat of nature
abandoned to rot
to the cold of neglect
a nobody god created
to the fooling and amusement of men
existence to only the gift of life
obligated to 9 months of debt
my grave the real womb
at last the warmth of decay
back to nothing this nobody deserves
relinquishment of life
the tirement of will
no need for final goodbyes
never mattered
of no importance
empty existence
time of no matter
just a testiment of being
born to live and just to die
eyes opened up now to farcial existence and realities of life
closed once more to the bliss of abandonment